You may have noticed that I haven't been blogging as much lately. I log on, post a little fluff & I disappear again, and for that I am sorry. But I have been feeling overwhelmed by things in my life and I could feel myself slipping down that very slippery slope called depression.
Anyone that has been there understands how quickly all can go downhill. Or how slowly it can creep up on you. Depression can be extremely quiet and sneaky...and that is how it is for me. The last time that I went down this road it was a combination of postpartum and an unstable marriage. It was easy to diagnose...I was constantly crying, sad, exhausted, detached. I knew I needed help and I got it. I went to weekly counseling sessions and became friends with Zoloft. It took about a year to get my head on straight and wean myself off the pills, but I did it and I felt stronger and more in touch with myself than ever before.
But this time the depression snuck up on me. It was something that started small and over the course of six months became so big it consumed me. It started off with a little trouble sleeping, that eventually morphed into only sleeping two to three hours each night. A little nagging feeling of hopelessness that became feeling detached from everything because of the hopelessness that engulfed my entire being. A little emotional teary-ness became an overwhelming sadness that kept me from crying becuase I wasn't sure if I could stop.
The change from the small feelings to the big overwhelming ones didn't happen overnight. They grew in such a minuscule way that I didn't even notice what was happening. I've been through a lot of things lately...my son not feeling well, my husband's Crohns disease rearing it's ugly head, my father being diagnosed with prostate cancer and my step-mom having heart failure and subsequent heart surgery. These things just kept hitting me one after the other.
I didn't even notice the depression until earlier this week when I felt like I couldn't even function anymore. My sleep exhaustion had me almost delirious, my sadness finally engulfed me and I felt like the tears would never stop. And , finally I drove home imagining how much easier things would be if I wasn't around.
That last feeling was the one that scared me the most...it was the one that made me realize how much I had to lose if I didn't get myself some help. I saw my doctor and went back on anti-depressants. I have weekly appointments set up with my lifesaver of a therapist. And I admitted that I need help. I told my husband and a few close friends that I can't do it all alone and I some support to help me fix me.
I'm trying to heal. It will take some time, but I will eventually be back to "me."