Complete fear and nervousness.
It's what I am full of right now. Every time my cell phone rings with a number that I don't recognize I fear that it will be more bad news. The last few weeks have been full of test after test and appointment after appointment to try to get to the bottom of what is making my son ill and what is making his stomach hurt. Blood tests, fecal tests, an ultrasound and more. So far we have been told that he has either Crohns disease or ulcerative colitis and probably celiac disease. But no definitive answer yet and that is just killing me. I just want to know...not just be told "possibly" or "probably." I can't stand seeing my baby in pain and I want to fix it, but I can't until I know how...and so far I haven't been told how because we don't have a diagnosis yet. I just want to fix it...mommy's are supposed to be able to fix everything aren't we?
So, On Monday my baby boy has yet another trip to the hospital. A trip that includes more tests, biopsies and putting my baby under anesthesia. An endoscopy & colonoscopy. Those words are haunting my dreams...they are not tests that a 4 year old should have to endure, but they are the reason for our trip to the hospital.
And with this trip I am yet again filled with fear.
Fear of my baby boy remembering all of this, fear of waiting and fear for the possible results.