Not keeping a tally

Last week it was pointed out to me how much I give, but how little I seem to always receive from family and friends. I had never viewed it this way before…part of my personality is that I am someone that gives. I love giving to others… and up until last week, it’s never been about what I receive back.

But ever since my good friend pointed it out to me, it has been so hard not to begin tallying things up. And I found myself unhappy…unhappy because I started wondering why I wasn’t good enough to get back from others. Why wasn’t I receiving back as much as I was always giving out?

My tally marks were beginning to be all that I could think of…I gave person a this, but I only got this back, I gave person b that and I received nothing back….it was all that was going through my mind. And I didn’t like it. I began to spiral back down into depression thinking about all that had gone on in the last couple of years with friends, family and work…so I began to cry.

And cry.

And cry.

But I also began to examine who I was and what was important to me.

Was getting really what was important to me?

Was keeping a mental tally on my friends and family really important to me?

If they were doing the same thing, how would I stack up to others on their tally sheet?

Is judging the people that I love really how to go about loving them? Shouldn’t I just accept them for who and what they are? Isn’t that what love really is?

So over the weekend I threw away my tally sheet. I made myself stop thinking about getting. Because what is important to me is the giving, not the getting. It’s part of what makes me who I am. And I like who I am. Actually I LOVE who I am. And giving to others makes me happy. It makes me feel complete. 

I also realized that those that mean the most to me do give back...my soul is filled to the brim with love and respect for those that I am the closest to. And if by chance I get something back from any others it will be an amazing little extra to overflow my spirit.