Reverb 10 - Day 25

December 25 – Photo:  Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

This photo captures me the most for 2010. It was taken by a classmate of mine from college, Heather, right after my college graduation ceremony from Northern Arizona University up in Flagstaff, Arizona.  It reveals the me that I had worked so hard to be. It is a photo that captured a moment of completely happiness and accomplishment...the day that I finally graduated from college. And I was able to share the moment with the two most important people in my life, my son and husband. I love this photo of me...It shows how happy I am for accomplishing one of the most important goals in my life.



To read more about my college journey click here.

Reverb 10 - Day 24

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK: What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

This year has been a year of healing for me and there have been so many, many moments that I was able to sit back and realize that "everything's OK!" It is such an amazing feeling after being through so much. The amazing moments of going on a family vacation. Finally graduating from college. My son going to preschool.

But the moments when it happens the most are not big events. For me they are the quiet moments. They happen at night when I go in to check on my son when he is asleep and I caress his sweet little face. Or when I am laying outside holding hands with my family on a blanket looking at the stars. They happen when I am alone with nothing but a good book and a glass of wine. Sitting on the couch with my husbands arm around my shoulders watching a movie. 

They happen in the moments that are calm. The ones that are filled with the most love, contentment and the realization that I am living a life better than I ever could have hoped...because it is all OK. This is the life that I was meant to live and I am so very grateful and happy to live it!

Reverb 10 - Day 22

December 22 – Travel: How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? 

During 2010 I only traveled to places that I could get to by car in 5 hours or less. I needed to stay close to home this year. I needed my small family this year and they needed me. A few brief trips were taken to celebrate milestones. The milestone of my 10 year anniversary, a trip to participate in my graduation ceremony & a trip to celebrate my graduation and finally a short weekend away to the mountains during the hottest part of summer with good friends. The trips were all short, but absolutely perfect. They were just the respite that I needed...short little breaks from reality to give me the strength to go back to real life with a new renewed spirit.

In 2011 I plan to begin to travel again. And the trips are BIG! We are planning our first family trip to Disneyland and my son is so very excited. He can't stop talking about getting to go to where Mickey Mouse lives. We will also be joined by my Sister in Law and her kids and should be a great trip with many memories! The big trip for me will be in August...I have agreed to join a team and participate in the Portland to Coast relay up in Oregon with some old friends from high school. I can't wait to do it...I think that it will be so much fun! I'm sure that there will be smaller trips throughout the year. Trips to the mountains and trips to Vegas, but nothing in writing.

2011 is going to be a big year and I can't wait!!

Reverb 10 - Day 19

Reverb 10 Day 19 – Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

Healing is such a hard thing for me to discuss because what I need healing on is such a personal issue. It is healing from being hurt and deceived by someone very close to me. Someone that I trusted and believed in. But I have been working on the healing. It has been hard. So very, very hard. There is still a lot of anger. There is still a lot of resentment. But I know that I need to give both of these things up or I will never heal. I will never be whole again.

There are days that are good. Days that I forget all of the anger. Days that I forget the resentment and hurt. Days that I finally feel whole again. Days that I am my old self. The one that was happy, the one that had hope and believed in people. The old me that trusted and loved easily. This is how I know that I am finally healing...the good days far outnumber the bad days. It has not always been that way.

Part of my healing is finding a good balance between the "old" me and the "new" me, a balance that doesn't include anger and resentment. A healed me will be one that can move forward from my experience, and while not forgetting what happened, I will be able to learn from it.

And I will be healed one day. I know it deep down inside. I know it in my core. I will completely forgive. I will not hold resentment in my heart. I will be whole again. It is my wish for myself. It is what I want more than anything right now.

I will be healed, I just know it...I need for it to happen. For me. For my son. For my husband and my marriage. It will happen one day...I just know it. 2011 will be a great year. A year of continued healing. I see it happening. I see it and I believe it.



 

Reverb 10 - Day 17

Reverb10 - Day 17: Lesson Learned–What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? 

The best thing that I learned was that I couldn't wait around for others to do things when something is important to me. I found that I was constantly waiting for things to happen. What I learned was that I needed to take action in order for my life to move forward instead of always waiting.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. I just hate that word. It was something that I have always done. Waiting.

Waiting for people to accept me.

Waiting for things to come to me.

Waiting for my chance.

I instead have decided to just start taking my chances. Now I find myself doing things rather than waiting for things. And I now feel so much more in control of my life. And happy. Truly happy because I am now a part of what happens in my life instead of watching my life pass me by.

Reverb 10 - Day 16

Reverb10-Day 16: Friendship–How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

Oh, my...friendship is one of the common themes that has come up over the past year. Good friendships, renewed friendships, ruined friendships, new friendships...it has been a big year for me in this part of my life.

The biggest change that came from a friendship was a change that came in a sudden burst. While most of what I went through is way to hard for me to get into because it involves my little one and his safety and I am still so upset and hurt by what happened that I can't write about it yet without crying. Let it just be said that people are sometimes not what you think...even when that someone is a person you would have considered to be one of your closest and most trusted friends. Because of the event that I went though this past year, I now realize how much I treasure honesty and trustworthiness and how much one event can effect all other relationships in your life. I came to the realization that I am someone that trusts too easily and quickly and that doing so can hurt you and your family in ways that you can't imagine.

But on the other hand, because of what happened I realized that I also needed to have more friends. I needed to put more effort into surrounding myself with other women that have the same goals and interests as I do and I am so very glad that I did. I have met some wonderful women this past year that I am lucky to count as friends.

This has been the year of the friendship and no matter whether the memory/event was good or bad I appreciate and embrace all that has happened and I know that it has helped me to grow as both a mother and a person and I don't regret anything!

Reverb 10 - Days 14 & 15

Reverb 10 - Day 14: What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? 

The one thing that I appreciate most from the past year is my education and the sacrifices that were made to receive it. I finally graduated from college this past May. It is something that I have wanted to do for years, but because of one reason or another I have had excuses for not finishing. But after some life changing events a couple of years ago, I made the decision to finish...no matter what it takes. And it took a lot. A lot of money. A lot of time away from my family. A lot of missed sleep staying up late doing homework. And a lot of encouragement from my friends and husband.

I appreciate all that went into me getting my degree. And I love each and everyone that helped me along the way. I know that I have told them...but I really do appreciate everything that was done for me. I would never have finished without the help that I received. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!


Reverb 10 - Day 15: Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

There are so many memories that I want to capture, but the ones that are most important to me are:

1) My son's third birthday party
2) My 10 anniversary trip with my husband and our subsequent renewing of our vows
3) Graduating from college with my bachelors degree
4) Getting house guests from back home...both my best friend and her family & my dad and stepmom
5) Our family trip up to the mountains this summer with our good friends the Moore's
6) A quick weekend trip to Vegas with my hubby this summer to see Garth Brooks in concert
7) Game nights with friends
8) Making great new friends!

Reverb 10 - Day 11

I’m signed up for Reverb10,  so during the month of December I’ll be receiving a daily email prompting me to reflect on the past year and manifest the year to come. (Click on the button on the right sidebar for more information)


11 Things - What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? 

I don't need to fit in - I need to work on the fact that I am different and accepting myself for who and what I am. I don't need to be liked by everyone, I don't need to fit in. If I can do this, it will free myself from so much self doubt and add to my confidence. It will also help me to be a better example for my child.

I don't need to be first - I am such a Type A personality and so competitive that I always need to be first...always the best...always right. It hurts friendships, coworkers and my husband. I don't need to be first, I just need to be the best that I can and accept where ever that takes me. If I didn't worry so much about beating everyone else or always being right I would be happier.

I don't need so much stuff - There is no reason for my home to have clutter. There is no real reason for us to have so much stuff. It's time to start paring down to just the essentials. It will make cleaning my home easier and quicker and leave me more time for what's important: family.

I don't need plastic water bottles - I have already made the decision to be more environmentally conscious in the new year and one way that I will do this is to stop buying bottled water. I will add a filter to my kitchen faucet and refill containers at home. It is the least that I can do to stop filling up the landfills and help our planet.

I don't need to worry so much - After making a decision I worry. I worry and over think just about everything in my life. I just need to accept a decision after it is made and move on. No need to worry about the consequences...those will come no matter how much or how little I worry. It will help me to sleep better, thus improving my health and attitude.

I don't need to diet - I just need to make a decision to eat better. Pigeon-holing myself into a particular diet is not healthy because it them consumes me and when I fail I begin feeling self-hatred. Just concentrating on living an overall healthier lifestyle is a better choice for me.

I don't need to be around negative people - I can make the decision about who I want to be around and who I don't want to be around. I don't need to be around negative people just because I feel obligated to or because they are family, old friends, etc. I can choose to walk away...it is in my power.

I don't need to feel regret - The past is the past and I don't need to worry about it and feel any regrets. I can't change what has happened, only move forward and head boldly in the directions of my decisions.

I don't need to be an expert in parenting - I don't need to read all the books, I don't need to consult experts or poll everyone that I know when it comes to parenting. I just need to follow my gut and do what feels best for me and my family.

I don't need excuses - I need to stop making excuses about why I am not doing something. I just need to get off my butt and do it.

I don't need unnecessary obligations - I don't need to do something just because I feel obligated to. I need to stop saying "yes", when I really mean "no." People will understand and the ones that don't shouldn't be in my life.

Reverb 10 - Days 6, 7 & 8

I got a little bit behind on the Reverb10 challenge, but I made a promise to myself to make sure to do all of the prompts so I'm doing a little catching up tonight. Here it goes:


Reverb10 - Day 6 - What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

For me this is a pretty easy one because being creative and making things is what I do. At work I do graphic design, so I am lucky enough to be able to get paid to be creative. At home I enjoy photography and baking, so I am constantly making things...whether they are to eat or they are just to look at, I am always making things.


Reverb10 - Day 7 - Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

For me I found community through many different things and in many surprising places during 2010. This was the year that I joined the blogging community. I have "met" some very wonderful people in the blogging world. I have also learned so much and connected with so many people that I otherwise would not have had the opportunity to. I have learned more about how to be more creative and added to my knowledge in certain subjects; I have learned how to be a better parent and that I am not alone in certain parenting situations; I have learned that friendship and connections can come in many different ways. The blogging community is so large and amazing and I am so glad to be a part of it.

I have also joined a community in which the common bond is being a parent. This is the year that my son started going to preschool and he also joined a team sport. I have been able to bond and become friends with other mothers and fathers of preschoolers and I have learned so much from our interactions.

For 2011 I would like to connect more with other women and men that enjoy baking and cooking like I do. I would like to become close with them to be able to share more about what we do and how we do it. I learn so much from others and I want to excel in this endeavor in my life, while I am not looking at this as something that I want to make money at...I just want to learn more about something that I absolutely love doing!

Reverb10 - Day 8 - Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

It is such a hard thing to think about what makes me different from everyone else...most of my life I have found myself wanting to be like everyone else and just fit in. I didn't want to be noticed...I just wanted to liked. But as I have gotten older I have been able to connect more with who I really am. I have learned that loving who I am (all of who I am) has helped me to be more confident, more self assured and in turn, I find myself less worried about fitting in and making sure that others like me. Instead, I find my differences are what draws others to me. Others that like me for what and who I am, instead of who I try to be.

Some of the differences that I celebrate about myself are my quirkiness, my quick wit and my sensitivity. I am also a complete and total geek and I love being one...I love horror movies, I have crushes on obscure celebrities, I get addicted to television shows, I am a voracious reader and I always seek out the newest technology. All of these differences are what make me special...they are the things that add up to who I am and I love that I am different than everyone else. I wouldn't want to be just anyone...I want to be me!

Reverb 10 - Day 5

Let Go - What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

This year I have finally let go of my expectations.

Now, I'm not saying that having expectations is wrong, but the way that I used expectations in how I lived my life, they are. I am someone that used to set expectations for everyone and everything so high that it is almost impossible for anyone or anything to match up to what I want them to be. This has made for some very big letdowns in my life. But these letdowns are not because someone or something wasn't all that it could be...they usually were. It was MY fault that they were "letdowns." In my mind I had set things to such a high standard, that even if I had completed the task it would not have been even close to what I had imagined.

So, this year I made the concerted effort to stop having these expectations and it helped me to see and appreciate others for who and what they really were. I was able to finally love the people around me for who they are, not what I wanted or expected them to be. By doing this I was also able to appreciate events and goings on in my life without a constant big check-list going on in my mind. If I took my son to something that I was really excited for him to experience and he didn't like it, I didn't let it get me down. If our vacation had a few hiccups along the way, I didn't let it destroy all of my memories for the trip, nor did I let those few hiccups overshadow the rest of the trip. I have finally begun to enjoy life and all that it has to offer me.

Letting go of my expectations was one of the best things that I have ever done and I am so glad that I did it!

Reverb 10 - Day 4

Wonder - How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

Wonder is such an easy thing to have when you live with a small child. They open your eyes to the beauty of the simple. They joy in things that they experience is just absolutely contagious.  My little one is my doorway to wonder. His naturally inquisitive nature helps me to experience the "old" things anew. I find myself chasing butterflies, waiting outside for the sunset, pointing out beautiful flowers and taking time at night to lay on a blanket staring at the stars all because of my little wonder. The joy that he brings into my life is almost too difficult to put into words, but the wonder that I experience because of him is amazing. And beautiful. It makes my life full, more full than I ever imagined it to be.

Thank you Caleb...because of you, both my heart and eyes are open to the wonder that this world holds.

Reverb 10 - Day 3

Moment - Pick one moment in which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (textures, smells, voices, noises, color).

I'm not going to lie, my marriage has not always been perfect. It has not always been rosy. I've been married for over 10 years now and and I know that all couples that have been married for this long, or even longer, go through rough patches. Our marriage has had it's share of tough times,  but somehow we found our way back to each other and are more in love than ever. Things are good...really good and we have finally learned how to keep them good. It is work, but it is all worth it. My "moment" is a celebration of my marriage.

This past March my husband and I took a trip to Las Vegas to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. We chose to go there because it is where we celebrated our Honeymoon and we knew that it was the right place to celebrate being together...just like at the beginning of our marriage. While we were there my husband surprised me by asking if I wanted to renew our vows. Of course I said yes and on March 8, 2010 we were remarried. But not in a typical way, but in a way that we would never forget! We have already had our big white wedding so this time we decided to do a cheesy Vegas-style wedding. A bright, shiny Elvis officiated wedding!

It was crazy, fun and just the way that we wanted to celebrate...A lighthearted way to begin the next 10 years! It was most definitely the most "alive" moment that I have experienced this year. This moment was a ceremony celebrating that we were at the beginning of a new time in our marriage. A moment that exceeded my expectations. A moment that I will forever treasure. A moment that I was able to share with my best friend and love of my life.

Reverb 10 - Day 2

For the month of December I have decided to join in on an online challenge called Reverb 10. The goal of Reverb 10 is a chance for bloggers to "reflect on this year and manifest what's next." I am really excited to join this online initiative as a way for me to help myself to take a closer look at what I have accomplished this past year and mostly as a way for me to set goals for myself for the new year...not only for my blog, but in my personal life. Feel free to check out their website at www.reverb10.com and join in!

I'm starting Reverb 10 a day late so I'm going to just jump right in with today's subject.

Writing - What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing - and can you eliminate it?

The biggest thing that gets in the way of my writing each day is fear. The fear of hurting others, the fear of too much disclosure and the fear of rejection. Sometimes I have something that I write to go up as a blog post, but it never actually makes it online. It might be a great subject or a controversial subject and my fear of hurting someone always stops me from posting it.

I also find myself struggling with how much of myself and my family that I am willing to put online. It's hard for me and I still need to determine where my line in the sand is on this subject. So, now that I have determined what doesn't contribute to my writing, the question really becomes: how do I eliminate that? And the answer to that question, I think, is not necessarily black and white, but something that I will struggle with as long as I have a blog. Something that I just need to really sit back and look at more closely to determine what this blog is about. Is it something that gets to the meatier subjects with no regard for who I hurt or will it just be all fun and rosy with no darkness? I think that the answer is somewhere in-between those two, but it will be something that will just evolve as I continue to write on this blog.