Hope For Ava

Below is a blog post that I also have put up on my Photography Business website:

Have you ever had the chance to meet someone that changes how you view life and the way that you live it? Earlier this year, I had the chance to meet someone that did just that...Cynthia Dawson. She is a mother, a wife, a daughter and a budding photographer...all of that along with being an amazingly strong, wonderful, inspiring woman. The kind of woman that I strive to be each and every day.

A snapshot that I took of Ava & Cynthia from this past weekend. We met up and took Ava & Caleb to paint pottery...the kiddos had a blast, as  you can tell from the HUGE smile on Ava's sweet face!

I met Cynthia in an online Facebook forum for photographers. She put up a post one day asking if anyone in the group lived in the Phoenix area. Me...well, being me...I piped up and replied to her post, friend requested her and pm'd her that night! Within a couple of weeks plans were made to meet at a local restaurant in person and when we did finally meet, we began talking about everything in our lives...our families, our husbands, her move to Arizona and about photography.

This is when I learned about WHY she had moved from Texas to Arizona...she and her family came here so that her daughter Ava could participate in a clinical trial at Phoenix Children's Hospital. You see, Ava was diagnosed early last December with a brain tumor...and not just any brain tumor, a special one called DIPG. This is a very rare and aggressive tumor. It can't be removed because of it's location, and while radiation is the standard method of treatment, the tumor will grow back and nothing can be done at that point except to make the child comfortable. 90% of children diagnosed with DIPG die within one year and the remaining children die within 3 years. (Source: Hope for Ava)

Ava is a fun-loving, sweet little 5 year old girl. She is just like any other 5 year old...she loves her mommy, daddy and little sister; she loves Scooby Doo and even named her own doggie Scooby; she loves anything pink & girlie, has tons of stuffed animals and loves to play with her Barbies and her Barbie Dream House; she loves art and coloring; and she is adorable and quick to smile.

At the end of June, because her disease has progressed, Ava and her family were given the devastating news that they were out of the clinical trial here in Arizona. They will be moving back home to Texas soon...but in the short time that I have known them, both Ava and Cynthia made an imprint on my heart.

Cynthia and Ava have changed me. Knowing them has made me slow down and take in the little moments and treasure them. Cynthia's strength and ability to smile in the midst of one the hardest trials that life could send her makes me strive for more...She makes me a better mother and a better wife and friend. She has inspired me to be more giving and less selfish. (Check out this blog post on giving back that she wrote.) I can honestly say that my life is better for knowing them and I thank God everyday that he brought them into my life.

To learn more about Ava and how you can help her and her family, please check out the blog DIPG - Hope for Ava. Cynthia is using this as a way to keep everyone updated on Ava, her disease and treatment, along with sharing special moments from their life. You can help them out by making a donation, leaving a kind word on a post or praying for their family. (You can also check out Ava's Facebook page here too!)

ps. I am participating in an online auction hosted by Morgan Kervin that went live this morning! All money raised in the auction will go directly to the Dawson family to help with the expenses of fighting Ava's brain tumor. I have donated a free mini-session, along with over 50 others that have donated items from across the United States. Please make sure to check it out and help out by bidding on an item if you can! 

Hi... I'm fat

So in case you couldn't tell from my photos...I’m fat.

Not in the “I just ate a huge slice of cake and I feel fat kinda way”…but in the actual I’m 100 pounds overweight kinda way. In the I weigh what I did when I gave birth to my son 5 years ago kinda way. In a I wear the biggest size clothing ever kinda way. 

And if I continue on this track I'm afraid I won’t live to see my son grow to be the wonderful man that I know he will become. If I continue on this way I won’t live to meet my grandchildren or grow old with the love of my life. I'm also afraid if I don't fix this that my son is going to be made fun of in school because his mom's so fat. I don't want to be that person...I don't want to put my family through that kind of pain.

I need to change. I need to lose weight and inches off my body. I need to gain muscle and endurance. I need to wear smaller size clothing and I need to get off my butt and begin to take the steps to doing it.

So today I am starting. I signed up for My Fitness Pal and I’m going to begin tracking my calories. I am going to get out and walk everyday. I am going to attempt to do cardio 3x's a week. I also signed up to to do a relay with friends up in Oregon at the end of August.

As of today, I am taking a stand against myself. A stand against my bad habits. A stand against my addiction to sugar and carbs and deep fried foods.

I love my life but I’m afraid of losing it due to my unhealthy lifestyle. I want my outside to shine as brightly as I do inside and I am hoping that you will help me to be accountable. I need to be held accountable…it’s the only way that I can get through this journey. I need help because I’ve failed so many other times.

I’ve done just about every fad diet out there: HCG, Atkins, South Beach, Cabbage Soup. Heck I’ve even contemplated bulimia as a way to get skinny. But in the past I think that because my goal was only about “being skinny” I failed. I didn’t take the whole journey into account. I didn’t think about how I needed to change my entire life and view of food and exercise if I was going to change what size of clothing that I wear.

Today I begin my change. Today I will begin making small adjustments to the way that I eat…changes that I hope will become habits that will eventually lead to an entire new lifestyle, new body and a healthier Jenn.

Project Reconnect 2012

I decided NOT to do a list of New Year resolutions for 2012. Instead I have created project for myself…Project Reconnect 2012. I decided that this year I would try my hardest to reconnect with others. Over the past year between my depression and beginning my own business I have lost touch…lost touch with friends and family. But most importantly I’ve lost touch with myself.

This year will be about reconnecting with old friends. Trying to mend fences that were broke down from my lack of attention. Friendships only work when there are two people to work on them…and I have been lacking in my attention. I am not close to my family and over the years my friendships have helped to fill that void for me. But battling depression has made this difficult. It is like I have been a bear in hibernation…instead of me just crawling away to sleep though a season, I have been away for almost a year. I have hidden out and when I do have energy I have given all of that energy to my new business.

But I need more than just a business to make me feel whole. I need confidants. I need people that trust me and that I can trust. I need girlfriends that I can get silly and drunk with. I need friends that accept me as who I am and love me. But I need to reconnect and put more effort into it if I expect to be able to get any of these things back into my life. 

(I have also been lucky to have a few girlfriends that have stuck with me along the way...the deep dark way that is depression. And I am thankful for them. More than words can even begin to express...without their love, support and friendship I could not have made it through the past year. To you gals I love you more than you could ever know. Thank you for being there for me to cry on your shoulders and thank you for helping to pick me up when I fall.)

I also need to reconnect with myself. I need to take more of an active role in living my life. I need to work on me. I will do better at putting myself together more. Taking more pride in my appearance…I truly believe that looking good will help me to feel good about myself. Over the past few weeks I have worked on cleaning out my closet and getting rid of my grubby, slouchy, lounge around clothes. I found myself wearing them day in and day out…and because I was wearing them it was so much easier to just stay at home and lounge around. I didn’t want to go out looking like I rolled out of bed, so it was just another excuse to just stay home and hibernate.

I need to cook more meals at home. Not because I am setting a goal of loosing weight, but because I LOVE to cook at home. It’s something that makes me so very happy. I love creating new dishes to share with friends and neighbors. I love creating delicious sweets that I can bring to work. It is a way to get me back to being me. But I also think that cooking more meals at home will also be a great way to get some much-needed family time. Time for my husband, son and I to sit down together, break bread and talk. Talk and decompress from the day’s stresses. And we can reconnect.

I also will be reading more. I love to read. I love to learn. And I have missed it. I love getting lost in a novel…connecting with characters, letting my imagination get away from me. It is something that I long to do again and I will. But as I said I also love to learn and I will be reading books on things that I want to learn how to do or how to do better.

And I also will take more time to blog and reconnect with my blogging friends. Because I have learned that blog friends are real. Some of the only people that I have managed to not loose over the last year were some amazing blog friends. My girls Laura and Branson have been wonderful about checking in on me and keeping up on what’s going on. And I truly appreciate them for that. But I also want to reconnect with some of the other wonderful women that I have “met” online that I let slide on by because I wasn’t present enough.

But I am back. I will be baking and posting recipes. I will be talking more about my life, my family, my job…my hopes and dreams. And sharing photos along the way. I also will be better about visiting other bloggers and commenting instead of just lurking on their blogs. Its time for me to start joining in on the conversations and stop just standing in the corner observing everyone.

But blogging for me is also a wonderful creative outlet. I LOVE writing and for me blogging is almost like keeping a journal. It’s a way for me to get out what I am feel and thinking and share it with others. It is a way for me to get back to myself…the myself that I love. The one that is happy and outgoing. The me that is fun and loving. And I miss that part of myself. So in 2012 I will be working on reconnecting both with my friends but also with myself.

So here’s to 2012!! And the start of Project Reconnect…

My Goals for 2011

So I have finally sat down and written out my New Year's resolutions. I know that I am 4 days late in getting them out there, but it is what it is...and as you notice procrastination and being on time are not on my list, so just deal.

But the more that I have thought about them, they are more goals for how to improve my life than a traditional resolution. I'm not doing the whole I will lose weight or I will stop drinking. Those types of absolutes don't work in my world. I have the type of personality that when I don't make a deadline or if I fail at something I completely beat myself up over it and I don't want to put myself in that position. The first two of my "goals" are things that I have already begun doing in the latter part of 2010. I just want to continue on the path that I am already on and improve upon how I live my life. The third goal that I have I believe will greatly improve the quality of my life, and I can't wait to see how this change in mindset will increase the joy that I feel in my life.

#1 - I Will Be More Healthful. I just wanted to try to make more healthy choices in my life. Smaller portions. More exercise. Less fat. Less calories. More sleep. Less sugar. Less fast food. If I lose weight, great. If not, I know that I have made better choices and that I am being more healthy and that is what is important. I also want to make sure that I am setting a good example for my son...if I eat better and am more active then he will be too.

#2 - I Will Be Kinder To Myself And My Family. This year I will treat myself better. I will treat myself with more respect. I will give myself and my family a break and through this I will show them more kindness. I am so lucky to have what I have and I need to respect the people in my life that helped me to get where I am. I love them and I know that they love me...I just need to tell them more and show them in all of the little ways.


#3 - I Will Live In The Moment. I really want to try to enjoy life for what it is and not what it could/should be. I will live in the moment and do my best to stop thinking and trying so hard to live the "perfect" life. I have a wonderful family, job and friends and I need to take the time to enjoy what I have.