lost

Lately I've felt so lost.

Lost in life.

Lost in direction.
  
There are days that everything seems so upside-down. Days that are so hazy and foggy that I almost forget who I am and why I am here. Then it starts to subside. I begin to feel right again...and them BAM,  I fall back down.

I know that part of it is the exhaustion. The pure sleep-deprived exhaustion that leaves this haze about me. I need to sleep. I need it so desperately, but it usually won't come. And when I do sleep it is a sleep that is filled with nightmares, and tossing & turning. It is not restful.

The other part of it is the depression that has plagued me for the past 4 years or so. Every time I think that I get a handle on it...it rears it's ugly head and begins to take over my life. It holds me back. It doesn't allow me to move forward in any way. I need to make an appointment with my doctor, but lately I barely have enough energy to get through the day, let alone remember to make that phone call.

And the last part is life. Lately life has thrown me some heavy hits. My mother was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. (Her 3rd bout with cancer.) My husband and been working long, long hours and extra days...so it's been just me at home to take care of things. Work has been strenuous...lots of expectations and I have a hard time admitting when I can't take more on. And I started my photography business, working evenings & weekends to get it off the ground.


I feel broken...It's almost like I see my reflection in the mirror and I don't even recognize what looks back at me.